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Chicago Cubs Hires Witchdoctor To Ease World Series Woes


Chicago, IL – The Chicago Cubs executive staff has announced that they have hired an official “team witchdoctor” to perform a variety of prayers and chants to prevent any “curses” or “bad juju” from affecting the team in their first ever World Series appearance since the early 1900’s. In what is described as “just a precaution”, the witchdoctor, known only as Zulu Kunga’hana is intended to ease player tensions and serve as a morale booster to the team.

While unconventional, Cub’s head coach Joe Maddon stated in a press conference:

We’ve used up just about all of our luck these past 108 years just getting to this point, so we are preparing for the worst. I just hope Zulu can pull us through the tough times ahead of us.

In addition to the occasional chant and tribal ritual, Witchdoctor Kunga’hana has also managed to dish up some authentic tribal food and refreshments, but they do not seem to be enjoyed by everyone.

Pitcher Aroldis Chapman described one of the frothy drink mixtures as “tasting like a**” and “quite possibly the most god-awful thing I’ve ever tasted”.

Maddon later ended the press conference stating: “I mean, it’s pretty obvious that we are cursed, but the fact that we have made it this far just reinforces the need to ensure that the curse stays away, at least until the World Series is over.”

Maddon was later seen picking up a feather headdress and then walking into the smoke tent, which was constructed in the middle of Wrigley Field, where tonight’s tribal smoke session was taking place.