CHICAGO, IL –Wrigley Field just received some very bad news. After an independent analysis of the field and neighboring grounds by a third party inspector, officials and groundskeepers have announced a temporary closure of Wrigley Field for the entire MLB season due to an unprecedented gopher infestation. “The gophers have, unsurprisingly, decided that Wrigley Field is a prime location to congregate and mate, among other activities” senior ballpark official Mitch O’Connelly stated. While the Cubs are in no conceivable way anywhere near a World Series victory, this just adds another inconvenience to their already embarrassing season as a whole. The gophers, native to the Chicago region, are estimated to be in the thousands, and are expected to migrate south by the end of the baseball season. “Until they move out, we are left with no choice but to feed them, provide shelter, water, and make sure that even though they are unwanted guests, they are treated in a warm and welcoming fashion. It’s the Chicago way” – Mitch O’Connelly, senior ballpark official, Wrigley Field.